Dad.
For some this word evokes positive emotions and great memories. For some it evokes frustration and anger. For some it evokes sadness. For some nothing or a myriad of other emotions I have not mentioned. For me it evokes two emotions: respect and fear.
Respect for my own father who modeled how to work hard, but not allow his work to be all consuming as he remained involved in our lives. He continues to demonstrate that as a grandfather by investing in his grandsons . . . or maybe spoiling them . . . I’ll get back to you on that. He also modeled humility in that he would and still does apologize when he makes a mistake either with my mom or with my brother or I as we were growing up.
Fear. Not of my father other than the healthy fear. My fear is the reality that I have three young boys looking at me and I am their model of what it means to be a man. I would be a liar if I didn’t tell you that scares me to death. I know I will give them “issues,” but I hope they see in me a man of faith who lives his life in a way that aligns with what he says. I hope they see a man of courage and a man who loves unconditionally.
Those are my two emotions, but let me share with you some principles of leadership for fathers at home that help me. These principles come from a book I read many years ago by a former Green Beret Stu Weber called Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart. These four pillars are what every dad and man struggles to keep in balance as they easily tip to one side or another. As we strive to stay in the center we will be on a path of effective leadership of ourselves and those we interact with.
- King. When we lead as a king we balance the temptation to either be passive or be controlling. These tensions pull at us constantly. I think of when my children are fighting I either want to yell at them or ignore it, and hope it goes away. If I function as a king I will seek to serve them in the moment by listening, but not solving their problem for them.
- Warrior. When we lead as a warrior we balance the temptation to either run away from conflict or try to win at all costs often as a bully. The best example is when there is a disagreement with my spouse I feel both sides rise up pulling at me. When I am functioning as a centered warrior I sit with my wife, listen, and work with her to find a solution that is best for both of us and our marriage. I fight for our marriage in these moments.
- Mentor. The two extremes Weber provides here are “dunce” vs. “know-it-all.” When we function as wise mentors we demonstrate transparent humility. If you have ever had a good teacher he or she knew a lot, but had them humility to recognize he or she did not know it all. This type of teacher would come alongside you patiently guiding you to the answer while suggesting what has worked, but allowing you to find your own approach if there was not just one to follow.
- Friend. This is a balanced pillar when we are not trying to be our child’s best friend or completely ignoring him or her. When I function well as a friend I am connecting and talking about what matters to my son and his world, not about me and my problems.
These four principles guide me in attempting to be the best father possible. Not only do I strive to keep each pillar centered, but I also must not focus on one pillar too much such as just trying to be a friend. Our roof does not stay on with only three walls so are we as men not leading well if we fail to pay attention to each pillar.
What pillar in your life is out of alignment? What is one thing you can do today to realign? To lead well at home as a dad is a challenge, but a battle worth fighting. Let me know if I can help and in the meantime, lead well dads.
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