I was facilitating a group with some leaders and during the course of our time together we discussed the Law of Momentum from John Maxwell’s book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership. One of the roadblocks to momentum we discussed was the reality that our emotions can derail the progress we are achieving.
In the 1990’s researcher Daniel Goleman introduced us to the concept of emotional intelligence. In his book Working with Emotional Intelligence he describes his research findings after testing and in-depth interviews with hundreds of workers. He states:
“emotional competencies were found to be twice as important in contributing to excellence as pure intellect and expertise.”
Wow! We need to pay attention to this. This may have originally come out twenty plus years ago, but the importance is even more critical today in our social media oriented world. Entire books have been written on this topic by Goleman and others, but let me highlight two areas that arose in our group: calmness and anger.
Confession here: I am not a patient individual so in leadership roles I have a lot of room to grow in remaining calm and keeping my frustration tempered. I don’t know about you, but I find it takes more energy to remain calm than to give full vent to my emotions. We all know remaining calm is more fruitful in the long run.
So what can we do to improve?
Be Aware
Similar to individuals dealing with addiction the first step is recognizing this area is a challenge. Over time I have become more tuned in to my emotions, or what Goleman calls self-awareness, that I can sense when I am beginning to get frustrated. Some of those signs are as simple as an elevated heart rate or sensing my anger rising.
Be Prepared
When we go on a trip for work or personally we have a plan “B” if everything goes awry such as phone numbers of people to call and alternate forms of travel and hopefully some cushion so we can still make the event on time. Do we have a plan on how to respond emotionally in a way that calms us instead of reacting and then having to spend time cleaning up the mess we created? Maybe this is as simple as sitting down and putting our feet up when talking to the individual instead of standing with our arms crossed. Try sitting and see what this does for you and how it impacts the other person’s response. Maybe you need to go somewhere and do some pushups just to let off steam, go for a five-minute walk, take ten deep breaths, or call for a break in the meeting so the tension in the room can ease and you can process.
Act
This is not earth shattering, but once we have a plan do we implement it when the time comes. This takes intentionality because we want to react, but to manage our emotions and remain calm when we want to explode takes intentional action.
If you have ever worked with teenagers you know they are excellent at pushing the anger button. I have found as I am aware of my anger rising and want to pull the authority card that will not build our relationship in the long run, I work instead I try to take the individual aside and either stand with my hands behind my back as I talk or sit down while I discuss the issue with the individual. This forces me to be calm and therefore can create a more emotionally stable and respectful environment for both of us. At the end of the day as we improve our emotional leadership we will grow the respect we have for ourselves and others will grow in their respect for us.
What area of this do you need to grow in? Is this the first time you even have thought you may have an issue you need to deal with? Do you need others to help you in your awareness like a coach? Do you have a plan so you can respond instead of react? Do you simply need to follow your plan? We won’t improve overnight. Like everything, this is a process so take the first step today and celebrate the small victories along the way to leading better at work and home.
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