I have the privilege of being the father of three young boys. This privilege is quite overwhelming at times. For example, I just returned from an overseas serving experience with my oldest son. My biggest fear was not health issues or safety, but me ruining the experience for my son.
Unfortunately I tend to be very impatient. It most likely comes from my control freak issues and my driven personality. . . not a great combination. With that being said going into this experience I was concerned I would frustrate my child with putting unrealistic expectations on him. I had a small victory and during our seven day experience I did not “lose it” on him . . . too much. What helped more than anything else was having other members of the team to help him when he needed something mom provides better than me such as compassion.
As this Father’s Day ends I reflect on what a man needs to do to lead well in his family. Before saying anything else I must admit much of my thinking has been influenced by a book by Stu Weber called Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart and the influential thoughts of a man named Robert Lewis.
Lewis defines a man as one who:
Rejects being passive.
Accepts Responsibility.
Lives Courageously.
Expects the greater reward. This is the reward that will come later in life or beyond and not immediately.
As I look at that definition I am overwhelmed by the reality that I should seek to be an example of that kind of man. I mess up A LOT and fail to live up to that standard. I am responsible for appropriately disciplining my children, but at times I hear myself saying “I am too tired.” I have to buck up and lovingly discipline or simply listen actively when my child has something to say. Both require rejecting passivity.
I am a model to my children on how to love my wife well. I fail at that A LOT too. One way I need to lead courageously is by modeling healthy conversations with my spouse. Conflict is normal in a marriage, but I need to listen and part of me is a chicken and wants to run away. I need to model courage by staying and listening instead of just trying to prove my point.
One of the four pillars Weber discusses in his book is the need for a man to be a king. In any building, if a pillar leans too far to the left or right it will not be a strong support. As men we can easily lean to the side of being too passive or too overbearing. Weber calls us to strive to live in the middle as a shepherd-king. This requires awareness and humility to accept feedback when we are “leaning” too far to one side. I personally tend to lean too far to the domineering side, but fortunately people close to me will let me know to help put me back in place.
For some of you reading this the father idea is very frustrating to say the least. Maybe you don’t know your dad, maybe your child’s dad is not around, maybe you feel you can’t be a man like Lewis defined or you can’t find a man striving to live close to the example Weber states. First, your past does not define your future. Men, you can take the initiative and grow into the man you desire to become. It takes time and effort, but is possible. Women, if there is no man around for your children, may I encourage you to seek out those role models for them which may be coaches, youth leaders, neighbors or who knows, but they do exist. I hope those of you who have struggled with your own dad can forgive him and remember we only have one dad. Let him know how much you love him before you can’t.
Next time I will fill you in on what I learned about leadership from my international experience. Lead well at home and work until then and share this with anyone you may think it would add value to.
P.S. Any dads who want to learn more about growing in your leadership at home and work send me an email at randy@wheelercoachingsystems.com
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