Blog - Page 59 of 60 - Wheeler Coaching Systems

Feb

2017

My Failure at Emotional Self-Leadership

Years ago Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of emotional intelligence. To state it simply this is the idea of an individual being aware both of their personal emotions and the emotions of those around them. In his book Primal Leadership, Goleman describes four domains: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. Let me illustrate this concept from my personal experience.

I am a “Type A” driven person and with that I tend to try to squeeze everything out of my time. On this particular day I was done with a haircut appointment with my three boys and I had about an hour and a half window before going to a movie with my parents and family, which is a rare experience. My wife needed me to get something from the store which was no problem because I had to run to the local printer to get something made. I figured I had plenty of time to complete the extra trip to the grocery with my trip to a local electronics store and the printer.

I am not sure how your life works, but in this instance I thought the printer stop would be fairly simple. Apparently I was wrong. I explained to the kind employee what I wanted to accomplish and he was tremendously helpful. We looked together and I watched as he tried to get multiple copies on one sheet to ultimately lower my expenses. Normally this is not a problem, but it was beginning to take too much time. I proceeded to ask him to continue working and I ran my electronics store errand and was back ten minutes later.

I am relatively calm still, but starting to become quite self-aware of my rising anxiety as the clock is ticking and I don’t want to let my family down by making us late to the movie. I return to the print shop where the employee has had success at formatting the document satisfactorily. I only have about ten minutes at this point and everything is becoming more complicated as he struggles to get the cost estimate calculated. At this point my self-management is starting to become quite visible as I gently pound my head on my wallet while he calculates everything and I am becoming visibly frustrated. Basically I am looking as mature and patient as a five year old who wants a treat from his mom or dad. When he finally calculates it the price was much higher than anticipated. At this point I know I will be late and I politely ask to save it and I will return another day.

Let me introduce another concept to you. Goleman provided a term called the “amygdala hijack” which is when our emotions take over and our rational brain even shuts down. This is exactly what happened when I entered the car, turned on the engine and drove down the highway. . . . I lost it. Let’s just say my family would not be proud of the words I was saying. As my emotions took over and I drove down the highway rushing home to be able to attend the movie on time I had just enough self-awareness to call my wife and tell her to meet me there.

Here is the problem. When we are in this intensely emotional state, and in my case very angry at the circumstance and frustrated with ourselves, we cannot lead well. We have to figure out ways to get out of this state to avoid hurting others or making bad decisions. So what did I do? I went home, shaved, changed clothes and tried to relax and settle down emotionally so I wouldn’t be a bomb exploding and the shrapnel hitting all my family and hurting them emotionally. I wish I could say I quickly calmed down, but it took time. I had to vent a little to my dad, sit and relax, choose to be patient, pray, hit a few things (not recommended) and finally just forget about it, enjoy the movie and move on.

Why do I share all this? As a parent and leader we must be self-aware and know when we need to disengage enough to prevent creating more problems by speaking when our logical mind has been hijacked. Maybe withdrawing for a moment will help, intentionally relaxing, processing with someone who will listen and is outside of the problem, or just turning your mind to something else and returning to the issue when you are calmer. Just like you, I am on this journey of trying to lead others well, but before I can lead others well I must have the capacity to lead myself well as do all of us. We must lead ourselves first, then we will be better equipped to lead those around us. What practices do you use to get yourself emotionally under control? Share below so I can learn from you.

Feb

2017

A Warrior Mindset as a Leader

If you have ever played sports you have heard a coach tell you “be tough.” What does that mean? How does it apply to the world outside of sports? Former secret service officer Gary Byrne in his book Crisis of Character provides a term he learned through his law enforcement training: “warrior mindset.” He states that this “refers to a state of mental preparedness in the face of danger and harm. Warriors are committed to surviving no matter what and never giving up even in the face of great adversity.”

Byrne explains that this mindset includes four things:

Mental toughness – personally I like to call this fortitude. Author James Loehr in his book The New Toughness Training for Sports: Mental Emotional Physical Conditioning from One of the World’s Premier Sports Psychologistsdefines mental toughness in the competitive arena as “the ability to consistently perform toward the upper range of your talent and skill.” This ability to perform at a high level regardless of circumstances exemplifies mental toughness.
Focus – I think of the mini-series Band of Brothers which chronicles the experience of a group of WWII soldiers. In one of the scenes these men are running with bullets flying all around them. As a warrior in battle one must be focused and not allow the bullets fired at them to sidetrack or fatally wound them. As a leader at home or work “bullets” will fly, can you stay focused enough to not let them fatally wound you?
Concentration on goal – in order to accomplish any goal, big or small, one must keep focused on the end and not get distracted by the less important goals that may not lead to the greater goal.
Perseverance – Byrne states it as “doing everything necessary to attain [the goal].” If the goal is big enough and worthwhile enough then you will not let anything stop you from accomplishing it. I think of my children when they were younger and they really wanted a specific electronic device. Mom and Dad were not going to buy it so they had to save their money. All of a sudden with each boy there was an intense determination to figure out ways to make money. They were willing to do work they normally wouldn’t do if it meant they would earn a little extra money. If the goal is important enough, nothing will stop us from accomplishing it.

You have heard what Byrne has to say, what about you? Do you have a warrior mindset? How would you rank yourself in each of these areas on a scale of 1 to 5? First we have to have the right mindset, but sometimes we need to have someone alongside us in the journey to help us get to the ultimate destination. Do you have that someone? Do you need a coach just like a warrior needs a commander? I am here to help you become the best version of yourself, but it starts with you taking the first step. Start developing that “warrior mindset” today so you can live a life of significance through all your tomorrows.

Feb

2017

Death By Meeting and How to Avoid It

I remember when I first entered the workplace and I had a weekly staff meeting; it was not the highlight of my week. We covered important information and it was a good time of connecting with the other staff members since we were distributed all over the city. As an action oriented 23 year old, I was not always the most engaged. Little did I know I would encounter other meeting experiences in various industries over my working career.

Recently I was with an organization performing team building and through the course of the activity one of the major issues that arose was the challenge of communication. In some organizations communication is informal and sporadic which can lead to problems, but for organizations that are more centralized meetings are used. As I thought about that concept a book I had heard about came to mind: Death by Meeting: A Leadership Fable…About Solving the Most Painful Problem in Business by Patrick Lencioni so I went to my local library and borrowed it. If this is an area of struggle for your team or organization I recommend taking the time to read this book, but I will give you a broad overview in this post.

Four Meeting Types

In this book he goes into detail about four different types of meeting. I want to take a minute to tell you about those types of meeting and for more detail you will have to borrow or buy the book.

The shortest of all the meetings (5 -10 minutes) is the “daily check-in” – the purpose is to share what is going on that day: activities, schedules, etc.
The meeting most of us are familiar with a more intentional plan is the “weekly tactical” (45 – 90 minutes) – this is where everyone quickly highlights the upcoming weeks activities and the group discusses any immediate non-strategic challenges that need to be addressed.
The “monthly strategic” meeting is usually much more animated. This 2 – 4 hour meeting is where critical issues that will impact long-term success are discussed and analyzed.
The “quarterly off-site review” (1 – 2 days) is where the big picture of the organization is analyzed such as organizational strategy, competition, personnel decisions, developing the team, etc.

Questions to Ask

This only gave you a broad overview of Lencioni’s book. You may lead a small business, a small team, a sports team or a multi-national organization. Whatever the organization, communication must occur and meetings are often the vehicle for that communication. Ask yourself some of the following questions if you seek to implement this method for your communication:

What don’t I/we do?
What do we need to do better?
When and how will we start?

Make Sure This is Clear

One final thought for any meeting, which is probably common sense . . . make sure you have a clear agenda in mind. When setting that agenda clarify your objectives so that when the meeting is over you and those involved will know whether or not you accomplished the purpose.

As we improve our communication through more effective meetings we will be able to be more effective and efficient in accomplishing our organizational purpose. As I have heard said, don’t just work hard, but work smart. Keep communicating and meeting to move your vision forward. Good luck!

Feb

2017

Super Bowl Leadership

Every year people gather around televisions in the United States to watch the Super Bowl. Some join in for an excuse to socialize. Some love watching the commercials. Some love football and some enjoy eating a bunch of unhealthy food. Oh yeah, some actually care about the outcome of the game.

Regardless of one’s motive, the reality is that coaches who get their teams to a championship level must know something about leadership . . . and acquiring talent. I have dug through my books and am going to highlight some of the leadership lessons successful college and professional football coaches have provided.

Former Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz in his book Winning Every Day: The Game Plan for Success states: “the standards you establish for others must reflect the standards you set for yourself. No one will follow a hypocrite.” The Principle: Lead by example and do not expect of others what you would not do yourself. If I expect others to get up early and workout . . . I must be willing to do it to and be ready to go.
Former USC football coach and coach of the Seattle Seahawks Pete Carroll in his book Win Forever: Live, Work, and Play Like a Champion discusses the role of a coach as a teacher and how to get the best out of players. He states: “if you want to help someone be the best he can be, you have to learn as much as possible about what makes him tick . . . everything a player does is an opportunity for us to learn something about him.” The Principle: When you know the people you lead you will be able to teach, lead, and inspire them better. For me I can get quite lazy and not take the time to understand those I lead. As I get to know the people then I am able to lead better because I know what they desire and how that can align with what the team is trying to accomplish.
In the 1990’s Tom Osborne led the University of Nebraska to a national championship. In his book Faith in the Game: Lessons on Football, Work, and Life he states: “Working hard is important: having a clear vision of why one is working hard is even more important.” The Principle: When you have a clear vision or “why” for what you are doing the hard work does not seem as difficult. I exercise each day which is hard work, but my objective is to stay healthy for my family and avoid gravity. These two reasons help keep me motivated to work each day.
Legendary NFL coach Don Shula partnered with leadership expert Ken Blanchard and in the book Everyone’s a Coach: Five Business Secrets for High Performance Coaching they discuss communication as a leader. Shula discusses how people will test boundaries and try to see what they can get away with. He emphasizes the importance of being consistent, but also careful in confrontations: “you must be wise in your confrontations and flexible in the way you treat people at such times.” The Principle: Hold the line and communicate with individuals in the manner that is most appropriate during the confrontation. One person may respond best to an “earful” from you while another may need you to put their arm around them and encourage them while confronting them. If you are like me the second method is much more difficult, but the effort in the long run will help the team stay on track.
Former New York Giants coach Bill Parcels in his book Finding a Way to Win: The Principles of Leadership, Teamwork, and Motivation by Bill Parcells (1995-12-01) also addresses communication in leadership. He discusses the value of candor in the leadership relationship. A lack of candor creates confusion where the followers are uncertain what is expected and may assume the worst. Parcells provides a health definition of candor stating: “True candor is the measured telling of the truth, not the open venting of rage.” The Principle: A leader must be open, honest, calm, and clearly define expectations to those he or she leads in order to avoid confusion. When we communicate we need to pause and reflect on what needs to be said and not just react and vent our frustration. Often I find I vent when I am unclear on what I expect. Clarify and then calmly communicate with candor.
All of the above principles lead to creating a culture and Tony Dungy in his book The Mentor Leader: Secrets to Building People and Teams That Win Consistently states: “The culture you create permeates everything you touch.” The Principle: The leader creates the culture both intentionally and unintentionally. As a leader if the culture of the team or organization is toxic it may be time to look hard at yourself and see what part you have in creating that. What are you actively encouraging? What are you passively encouraging?

Six coaches. Six principles. Now the question is what area(s) do you need to grow in after learning from the example of these coaches? Do you need to improve your communication? Do you need to clarify why your team is doing all the hard work they are doing? Are you leading by example? Do you need to examine the culture you are creating? Keep growing and you too can lead a championship caliber team. Feel free to comment below and share with others if you found this helpful.

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Jan

2017

My Dad Fail . . . Learn from My Poor Leadership at Home

Those of you that are parents, have you ever done something foolish with your child? I’m talking about the kind of thing where you acted like a child instead being the adult. Not being silly and having fun with your five year old, but a dumb choice.

One day my son came downstairs and instead of being a mature adult I acted like a teenager. In the grand scheme of things it was nothing really big, but it was quite childish for someone of my age. Here was the problem, I laughed after I did it and he was not joining in the laughing.

Basically I acted like a bully in my behavior toward my son. I know, I am a horrible dad. His younger two brothers thought it was funny, but the son I did this to was deeply hurt. That is really when I realized I messed up badly.

The next moments were critical, what would I do? Would I say something like “toughen up and quit being a sissy, I was just messing around with you” or respond totally different.

I went up to his room since it was around bedtime that this happened and I said that I noticed what I did really bothered him. As I lay beside him in bed I first confessed that what I did was immature and childish. The act was not the main problem, my laughing was what really hurt him . . . deeply.

When I realized that, I knew I had to really humble myself. At that point in the conversation I was struck with how deep this wound could go. I did not want to be the source of an unintentional wound deep in my son’s heart. I said “son, I really messed up and what I did was childish. Please forgive me for doing that and for laughing about it.”

Fortunately he extended forgiveness to me and I think it reconciled the situation. Of course I want my child to be tough and be able to handle the mean people and problems of the world, BUT I should not be the one bringing those problems into his life. My wife and I should be sources of stability and calm in our home not unnecessary problems.

If I am to lead well at home then I must have the humility to admit when I mess up and the willingness to ask for forgiveness. This requires both self-awareness of my actions and other-awareness of those I love and how they respond when I react or act. The most important part of this experience is that I learn from it and do not repeat the same mistake. I am sure I will fail many times more as a Dad, but hopefully I will not have the same failure twice.

What about you? How have you learned how to lead better at home through your mistakes with your family? Feel free to share (it will encourage me to know I am not the only one making foolish mistakesJ). Keep learning and keep leading.

Jan

2017

Four Principles to Make Growth Easier

Have you ever tried to learn something new? That is the easy part . . . gaining the knowledge. The hard part is implementing it. I was in the backyard throwing the football with my son one evening. For fun I thought I’d try throwing with my left hand. As you can guess the accuracy, power and overall aesthetics looked about as good as a two year old.

I know how to throw a football so I worked at it one step at a time. I had to think a lot in the beginning and it was awkward, but by the end of our time together it became quite a bit more natural to the point I threw a spiral or two. This is what growth feels like.

I was reading the book SPIN Selling by Neil Rackham because I don’t know a whole lot about effective sales. At the end of the book he provided what I would call four growth principles when implementing a new concept:

Focus on just one behavior to work on – when I first learn something I want to master it all now and on top of that, I want to be perfect at it. That is not how I learned to read. I learned letters, then certain words, simple sentences, etc. So when we learn just take the next step.
Choose a safe environment for practicing – if I want to improve my speaking ability and implement new techniques and skills I probably should not practice in front of hundreds or thousands of people. I should start by practicing with a few friends or a small audience so the awkwardness of implementing something new can be worked through without the risk of setting me back from my larger goals.
Practice it a lot and quality will come – I am a recovering perfectionist so I often want to be able to do everything perfect before I do it “for real.” I simply need to practice and learn from my mistakes. As I continue to learn I will be able to perform the skill with better quality over time.
Try it at least 3 times before judging whether it works – If a baseball player were adjusting his swing the first few times will be awkward and maybe not successful. If he gives up after just a few tries then he will not really know if it works. Give whatever skill you are trying an appropriate amount of time to develop before dismissing it as ineffective.

Maybe you remember when you were a child and the physical growing pains you experienced. Possibly you know that awkwardness of the first time you tried to have small talk in a social gathering. Growth is painful and awkward at first, but over time through perseverance and taking it one step at a time you will develop. Is there an area you know you need to grow in, but are overwhelmed by? Identify it and break it down into small steps and take the first step of growth today. Maybe the first step is commenting below on what you are going to grow in to hold you accountable to doing it. If you found this helpful, please share it with someone and keep pursuing growth.