Recently I was involved in a couple difficult conversations. Actually, I was on the receiving end.
If you’ve had that experience and truth was spoken, then you know the internal processing that can occur afterwards. As I was reflecting how I need to learn and grow from each conversation I realized I haven’t always handled difficult conversations well with others.
I don’t have the time to go in depth on this idea. Not too long ago I did a webinar on the topic and a couple books that can help you go deeper on this topic are Radical Candor and Crucial Conversations. Looking back on some of the difficult conversations I’ve had with others I should have and will apply in the future the following principles.
Relationship is Paramount
“Only when you care about the whole person with your whole self can you build a relationship.”
Kim Scott
I tend to be a very direct person especially when it comes to confrontation. That strength is also a weakness. Because I do not hesitate to confront a problem, I can hurt others. In this desire to quickly deal with the issue and get to a solution I may fail to consider the relationship. Let me explain.
As Kim Scott says above, we must care about the whole person. Often as leaders we address performance or behavior issues. I have had to do that often, but in my desire to quickly address the issue I have failed to communicate in a manner that truly values the person. Before having the candid conversation consider how you can carefully communicate in a manner that expresses how you value the individual as a person while not glossing over the real problem.
Remove Ego
I am good at over-reacting. Ask my three sons. I find often the over-reaction comes out of my ego being hurt. Ego is simply one’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. We all have an ego, but sometimes they get hurt. Here are a few signs ego is getting in the way:
- Being right is more important that doing what is right for everyone.
- We are frustrated because others are not doing what we want them to do.
- We are digging our heels in to argue why we are not at fault in the issue.
If you see these signs within you during a difficult conversation, then check your ego. One way I find helpful is reminding myself to keep the big picture in mind. Another way is the final idea below.
Listen
In my book 25 Ways to Lead Better at Work and Home I highlight the levels of listening so I will not cover that here. The third idea I realized is in my desire to quickly address the problem and solve it, I failed to listen. I missed Steven Covey’s principle of seeking first to understand before being understood.
When we must have a difficult conversation, we may not know the entire story. Maybe performance has dropped or behavior is off at this moment because of a personal problem. Possibly there was poor communication and expectations were unclear. Before launching into the confrontation take a moment to ask questions. Get curious where you are frustrated, and you may realize the issue was not as bad as you thought.
As I said, I am still growing in this area. Which of these areas do you need to develop? If you want to dive deeper into the issue e-mail me at randy@wheelercoachingsystems.com and I can send you a link to the webinar on the topic so you can dive deeper. Enter into the mess of the difficult conversation with candor and care. Lead Well.
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