Years ago Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of emotional intelligence. To state it simply this is the idea of an individual being aware both of their personal emotions and the emotions of those around them. In his book Primal Leadership
I am a “Type A” driven person and with that I tend to try to squeeze everything out of my time. On this particular day I was done with a haircut appointment with my three boys and I had about an hour and a half window before going to a movie with my parents and family, which is a rare experience. My wife needed me to get something from the store which was no problem because I had to run to the local printer to get something made. I figured I had plenty of time to complete the extra trip to the grocery with my trip to a local electronics store and the printer.
I am not sure how your life works, but in this instance I thought the printer stop would be fairly simple. Apparently I was wrong. I explained to the kind employee what I wanted to accomplish and he was tremendously helpful. We looked together and I watched as he tried to get multiple copies on one sheet to ultimately lower my expenses. Normally this is not a problem, but it was beginning to take too much time. I proceeded to ask him to continue working and I ran my electronics store errand and was back ten minutes later.
I am relatively calm still, but starting to become quite self-aware of my rising anxiety as the clock is ticking and I don’t want to let my family down by making us late to the movie. I return to the print shop where the employee has had success at formatting the document satisfactorily. I only have about ten minutes at this point and everything is becoming more complicated as he struggles to get the cost estimate calculated. At this point my self-management is starting to become quite visible as I gently pound my head on my wallet while he calculates everything and I am becoming visibly frustrated. Basically I am looking as mature and patient as a five year old who wants a treat from his mom or dad. When he finally calculates it the price was much higher than anticipated. At this point I know I will be late and I politely ask to save it and I will return another day.
Let me introduce another concept to you. Goleman provided a term called the “amygdala hijack” which is when our emotions take over and our rational brain even shuts down. This is exactly what happened when I entered the car, turned on the engine and drove down the highway. . . . I lost it. Let’s just say my family would not be proud of the words I was saying. As my emotions took over and I drove down the highway rushing home to be able to attend the movie on time I had just enough self-awareness to call my wife and tell her to meet me there.
Here is the problem. When we are in this intensely emotional state, and in my case very angry at the circumstance and frustrated with ourselves, we cannot lead well. We have to figure out ways to get out of this state to avoid hurting others or making bad decisions. So what did I do? I went home, shaved, changed clothes and tried to relax and settle down emotionally so I wouldn’t be a bomb exploding and the shrapnel hitting all my family and hurting them emotionally. I wish I could say I quickly calmed down, but it took time. I had to vent a little to my dad, sit and relax, choose to be patient, pray, hit a few things (not recommended) and finally just forget about it, enjoy the movie and move on.
Why do I share all this? As a parent and leader we must be self-aware and know when we need to disengage enough to prevent creating more problems by speaking when our logical mind has been hijacked. Maybe withdrawing for a moment will help, intentionally relaxing, processing with someone who will listen and is outside of the problem, or just turning your mind to something else and returning to the issue when you are calmer. Just like you, I am on this journey of trying to lead others well, but before I can lead others well I must have the capacity to lead myself well as do all of us. We must lead ourselves first, then we will be better equipped to lead those around us. What practices do you use to get yourself emotionally under control? Share below so I can learn from you.
