CARE

Jul

2021

Communicating with Candor and Care

Recently I was involved in a couple difficult conversations. Actually, I was on the receiving end.

If you’ve had that experience and truth was spoken, then you know the internal processing that can occur afterwards. As I was reflecting how I need to learn and grow from each conversation I realized I haven’t always handled difficult conversations well with others.

I don’t have the time to go in depth on this idea. Not too long ago I did a webinar on the topic and a couple books that can help you go deeper on this topic are Radical Candor and Crucial Conversations. Looking back on some of the difficult conversations I’ve had with others I should have and will apply in the future the following principles.

Relationship is Paramount

“Only when you care about the whole person with your whole self can you build a relationship.”

Kim Scott

I tend to be a very direct person especially when it comes to confrontation. That strength is also a weakness. Because I do not hesitate to confront a problem, I can hurt others. In this desire to quickly deal with the issue and get to a solution I may fail to consider the relationship. Let me explain.

As Kim Scott says above, we must care about the whole person. Often as leaders we address performance or behavior issues. I have had to do that often, but in my desire to quickly address the issue I have failed to communicate in a manner that truly values the person. Before having the candid conversation consider how you can carefully communicate in a manner that expresses how you value the individual as a person while not glossing over the real problem.

Remove Ego

I am good at over-reacting. Ask my three sons. I find often the over-reaction comes out of my ego being hurt. Ego is simply one’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance. We all have an ego, but sometimes they get hurt. Here are a few signs ego is getting in the way:

Being right is more important that doing what is right for everyone.
We are frustrated because others are not doing what we want them to do.
We are digging our heels in to argue why we are not at fault in the issue.

If you see these signs within you during a difficult conversation, then check your ego. One way I find helpful is reminding myself to keep the big picture in mind. Another way is the final idea below.

Listen

In my book 25 Ways to Lead Better at Work and Home I highlight the levels of listening so I will not cover that here. The third idea I realized is in my desire to quickly address the problem and solve it, I failed to listen. I missed Steven Covey’s principle of seeking first to understand before being understood.

When we must have a difficult conversation, we may not know the entire story. Maybe performance has dropped or behavior is off at this moment because of a personal problem. Possibly there was poor communication and expectations were unclear. Before launching into the confrontation take a moment to ask questions. Get curious where you are frustrated, and you may realize the issue was not as bad as you thought.

As I said, I am still growing in this area. Which of these areas do you need to develop? If you want to dive deeper into the issue e-mail me at randy@wheelercoachingsystems.com and I can send you a link to the webinar on the topic so you can dive deeper. Enter into the mess of the difficult conversation with candor and care. Lead Well.

Feb

2021

Which Way Do You Most Often Provide Guidance?

I have been preparing for an upcoming webinar on communicating with care and candor so I picked up Kim Scott’s book Radical Candor.* In this book she provides language for us to process how we are communicating when we lead.

For me candor and challenging others comes easily, but then I tip too far to that side and forget about caring for those I’m talking with. In my Friday video I mentioned the idea of kindness and the value of kindness in our leadership. As leaders we must demonstrate this kindness and care, but balance it with honest and at times difficult communication.

I have found models helpful for evaluating my performance. When I was first learning how to perform the squat exercise, I went down to what I thought was low enough. I was uncomfortable so it must be the standard, but later realized I was going only halfway to where I needed to be! The example of someone else helped me understand the standard.

Scott shares with us a framework for providing guidance to those we lead and interact with. These are her four terms with a brief explanation to help understanding.

Obnoxious Aggression

As I learned about this, I realized I fall in this category more often than I want to admit. This is the person who has no filter and tells EXACTLY what they think about something. We know they are being honest, but they fail to balance their honesty with compassion. At times this person may compliment, but include a belittling tone or sarcastic jab in the statement.

Manipulative Insincerity

When we provide guidance in this way, we are being political or guarded for a personal gain. Jim has turned in a project and the quality was not good enough but instead of telling him you say the quality is acceptable. Why? This keeps him happy and thinking he is doing well, but really you need to replace him. The insincere compliment buys you more time, but fails to be either caring or candid.

Ruinous Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share feelings with others. This is a good trait and a quality of great leaders, but leaders put themselves in difficult situations that can potentially lose the respect of others if it prevents them from making difficult decisions. When Jim was not performing well his leader did not criticize him because he did not want to create tension. This unintentionally set a lower standard and negatively impacted the entire team.

Radical Candor

This is when we have the right balance of care and challenge. Imagine you are talking to a neighbor who lets their two-year-old play near the street constantly. You say “Sue I know you love your son” which demonstrates care. Shortly after you kindly, but directly, remind Sue if she lets her son continue to play that close to the street, she may lose him. Care and challenge combined create this radical candor.

As you look at these four ways of guiding people that Scott provides, which do you tend to fall into? In what ways can you grow in either care or candor with those you lead? Need help thinking into your leadership? Contact me for a thirty minute no cost to you thinking partner session. Lead Well.

*This is an affiliate code.