FAILURE

Apr

2022

Peter’s Failure

Imagine you are eating with your closest friend and he says to you that in his time of greatest need you are going to reject him. Not just reject him, but deny you even know him.

Some friend you are. Of course you reject that idea outright and tell him “no way!”

Then the time comes. The authorities come to arrest your friend who you know is completely innocent, but you are scared. Out of sheer panic you land a punch on someone in the group that is arresting your friend.

Your friend is saddened by this because he sees no need for violence. You are infuriated though and want to protect him because you’ve been with him every day for the past three years! You have left everything to join him on his mission.

You settle down and are both sad and scared as your friend is hauled off by these guards. Carefully you sneak along and watch what happens. Your friend is spat on, slapped, and beaten almost to the point of death.

While he is on trial people recognize you as one of his friends. Out of fear you deny your relationship not once, but three times. Something happens after that third denial that reminds you what your friend said. Tears stream down your face at the realization of your failure as a friend.

The failure is not the end.

After being beaten and eventually suffering a terrible death a miracle happens. You see your friend again, but are ashamed and embarrassed. The shame does not come from your friend though. He invites you back into a relationship.

Not only does he invite you into a relationship, but gives you a purpose far bigger than you ever had. You are empowered with confidence which leads to boldness. This boldness makes you, Peter, a formidable leader in a movement that sweeps across the area and eventually the world.

What would have happened if Peter failed and quit?

What if Peter just hung it up and said “I failed, so I am a failure.”

He didn’t.

He embraced the forgiveness he was given and accepted the purpose he was entrusted with. He boldly went forth with power from a source outside himself to be a courageous leader.

Failure did not keep Peter down and neither should it you.

I don’t know where you have failed either professionally or personally, but just like Peter got up. Just like many others after him did not stay down. You are not a failure because you failed so get up leader and keep leading.

Be certain of your purpose and vision. Continue to lead imperfectly and fulfill the purpose you were entrusted with. Just as Peter’s denial was not a fatal failure, neither is yours. Whether Easter is your thing or not it is a time to remember what may seem like a fatal failure at first may be step one to an amazing purpose and victory. Lead Well.

Apr

2022

How Do You Respond To Failure?

Recently I was facilitating a training where we were playing The Leadership Game Sales Edition. During our time people would come up to roll the die and pick a card. After reading the card to the group they had to answer a question.

One question highlighted the idea that fear plays a major factor in success. Multiple fears were highlighted, but I want to address the one that may trip many of us up. This fear can consciously or unconsciously trip us up to the point of paralysis. The fear of failure.

Where does it come from?

We all can agree that we fail. This is a part of life. What creates this fear? I will suggest a few factors that create this fear.

Our identity is wrapped up in not failing. We want to do things right and then if we fail we think WE ARE a failure.
The environment we perform in. Maybe we work in a culture that shames people when they fail instead of encouraging learning and growth.
As a recovering perfectionist myself I recognize my fear of failure can often be rooted in thinking that anything other than perfect is bad.

How do you respond?

In his book Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn, leadership expert John Maxwell provides four ways that we may respond to failure. I encourage you to look at these responses and ask yourself which one do you tend to naturally lean toward?

Blow up – get angry, blame, rationalize, compensate, or be resentful
Cover up – hide our mistakes and possibly make excuses
Back up – withdraw in hopes no one will discover our mistake
Give up – quit and never address the mistake

Maybe one of these jumped out at you. The next question is how can you best neutralize this unhealthy response? Let’s look at some ideas in the last section.

What can help you respond better?

Maybe you have young children, or you remember falling off your bike when you learned how to ride a back. When my kids were learning how to ride a bike eventually they would fall. Now I had a choice as a parent:

Run and make a big deal about their fall like it was the end of the world.

Encourage them that they are ok and need to get up.

We have that same choice every time we fail. Will we lay on the ground and pout and stay stuck or will be bounce up and grow? Bouncing is getting up and trying again quickly. At times bouncing is pausing to evaluate what went wrong, learn from it and try again. Sometimes bouncing is not making the same choice and going down a different path. If we hit a tree when riding our bike we will take a new path.

How do you need to shift your response to failure? Have you had a recent failure that has you stuck? Need help getting unstuck? Go here for a no cost thirty-minute thinking partner session to help you start getting unstuck. In the meantime when you fail, bounce up, learn and keep growing. Lead well.

Nov

2021

Failing Better

“If you want to succeed, don’t let any single incident color your view of yourself.”

John C. Maxwell

Confession: I am a recovering perfectionist. Is there a blood type of “p+” for extra perfectionist? If so that is mine because of my constant fight against the fear of failure.

Because of my perfectionism, I may resist taking a risk because I want to know all the facts first. Because of my personality and a previous experience, launching full-time into my leadership development business required a lot of thought until ultimately my wife and life gave me a push.

The struggle with perfectionism has improved since encountering one of John Maxwell’s lesser known books: Failing Forward. This book transformed my thinking on failure. Growing up, being accurate and careful were important. We were allowed to fail, but I struggled with taking failure personally.

John provides a path to redefine and reposition how we see failure. Many great principles impacted me, but I think this statement was one of the most powerful:

Take Responsibility, but Don’t Make it Personal

“To keep the right perspective, take responsibility for your actions, but don’t take failure personally.”

A little before Fall of 2008 myself and a friend partnered in a business venture owning a small women’s only health club. We were very fortunate to find an excellent manager who treated the club as her own.

We both had full time jobs and functioned as silent owners which eventually contributed to the downfall of the business. Approximately seven years later after limping along and only breaking even year after year we shut the doors.

After reflecting on the experience, we could have led better and been more active in the sales and marketing of the organization. Our poor leadership in this impacted the failure of the business. The experience tempted me to never take a similar risk again, but this was not an option.

As John said, we needed to take responsibility for our actions. We did and took care of our former members, but I did not take the failure personally. Quickly my realization was we failed at doing our part, but that did not mean l am personally a failure. Since that time, I continue to reflect and learn from the experience.

Failing Does Not Make Me a Failure

In chapter three John discusses the question “if you’ve failed, are you a failure?” This chapter helped shift my thinking. He explains that achievers see failures as isolated incidents and have realistic expectations. My perspective shifted by accepting that failing, such as closing the business, does not mean I am a failure and if a project or program isn’t 100% perfect does not mean it is a failure.

This shift in thinking started a growth process in me that impacted those I led in a positive way. Internally I began to allow myself room to make mistakes because that is the path to learning and growth. Because I began extending this grace to myself it spilled over onto those I led. I still have high standards, but I’m looking for their best effort or excellence not perfection.

These shifts and adjustments have helped me be a more patient leader professionally and at home. I still battle the perfection monster, but I am learning not to take a failure personally, rather as an opportunity to grow.

What about you? Are you a recovering perfectionist who takes failures personally or has unrealistic expectations? How is that impacting those you lead personally or professionally? What is one mindset shift you can make today to help you lead yourself and others in a way that allows room for mistakes? Write it down and take the first step. Lead Well.

Aug

2020

Responding to Failure

Have you ever not had a result you didn’t expect? How did you respond?

One weekend my family and I took our oldest son to a regional Taekwondo tournament in Ohio. This was a brand-new experience for him. Previously he performed well in a smaller local tournament.

Let me explain how this tournament works. During the tournament athletes are grouped by their belt color to compete in both proper form technique and then they spar one another. Imagine the end of Karate Kid without the contact and you have a picture of what sparring looks like. In this tournament there were six people competing for this belt level.

Before beginning my encouragement to him was to give his best which he did. When the competition concluded they learned their ranking. In sparring he earned a bronze medal while in form he did not earn a medal.

Although I was proud of him for doing his best, the tears flowing down his face demonstrated his devastation. On one level I was glad he cared enough to be upset because he is a pretty light-hearted young man and not overly competitive naturally. While the tears flowed I briefly comforted him and then walked away to allow my wife to console him and provide me with a moment to think of what to say.

Helping Him Process His Failure

This was an important moment and I wanted to do my best to get it right. As I saw it I had a few options of how to handle the situation:

I could blame the judges and tell my son they were bad and he really did much better.
I could unintentionally encourage his sadness and feed it to the point he wallowed in self-pity the rest of the day.
I could show not empathy and say, “suck it up and get over it.”

Two Responses

What came to me was another option. I took this as an opportunity to encourage him to see how he could respond to failure. I tried to be as gentle as I could empathizing with the fact it did not feel good to lose and telling him I was glad he cared. Then I told him he had two options:

Give up and stop trying
Use this as motivation to learn and continue to grow and get better.

Thankfully he responded by stating that giving up was not an option and that he would keep trying to improve.

Author Maxwell Maltz in his book Psycho-Cybernetics states:

“When you thoroughly accept that you are not your mistakes, you are freed to acknowledge them, learn from them, set them aside, and move on from them without being mired in them.”

I don’t know about you, but I have to remind myself of the same options I gave my son when I fail. Will I give up and think I am a failure because I failed or will I look at it, learn from it and grow? What about you? What helps you respond positively to failure and not be “mired in them”? If you found this helpful for you leading yourself or others please share it. Lead well.

Aug

2020

Learning Leadership From A Naval Officer

I was on ZOOM reconnecting with a high school friend of mine who went to the United States Naval Academy. He is in his final years of service to our country and after catching up a little I wanted to learn his top leadership principles.

Commander Brett Holdiman has been in the cockpit of a plane for most of his naval career. Although there is a standard ranking approach to leadership within the military structure, leadership looks different when airborne: the superior/subordinate structure submits to the person who has the flight lead position regardless of rank. This concept is at the foundation of the first of his three leadership principles.

Creating Value in Others

As a member of the John Maxwell Team, I get this. Putting people first is the approach John lives out in his leadership style. I had to ask Brett what he meant by this idea of “creating value.” When leaders create value in others, they recognize they do not know everything. Since this is reality, Brett found two keys to make his teams feel valued.

During the early years of his flying career, Brett realized he had much less experience than those he led. He had a lot of education, but by the time he finished flight school, some of those he led had up to six years of experience in their area of expertise. He recognized the need to trust his people and make sure they knew their job matters. As leaders, these two habits create a culture of feeling valued by those we lead.

Create an Environment to Safely Speak Up

As we discussed leadership, Brett explained the difference in flight management compared to standard leadership. Any good aviator knows that 100% of the missions they flew would not go as briefed. A part of the flight management process is situational awareness and assertiveness. Whenever Brett was airborne, he knew he did not see the entire picture in front of him…there simply too much information to digest. But the same held true for his wingmen. This fact highlights the importance of trust within his flight. It created an environment where everyone was comfortable enough to speak up in the event he was missing something, even when they were a lower rank or newer pilot.

During the heat of a mission, the importance of rank decreases drastically and leadership is flattened. The flight leader’s job is to be certain everyone feels safe to make their voice known. This happens well before take-off. As they go through their flight plan process (which I described here), an environment where others can speak up and share a dissenting view will potentially prevent deadly mission errors. This appropriately assertive culture starts before the mission, carries through the mission, and ultimately develops a healthy team during the mission.

Failure is a Path to Proficiency

None of us likes to fail and failure on a critical mission is not an option for Brett. There is a place, though, where Brett and his fellow aviators can safely fail…mission rehearsal. During this time, lives are not on the line and identifying key learning points during every flight debrief is critical. As leaders, we must have ways for our team members to test new ideas, fail, learn, grow, and try again.

Brett said they expect problems during every flight. Instead of running from them, however, challenges and obstacles are embraced, debriefed, and learned from. Their safe place to fail is during training. Similar to an athlete whose practice impacts performance, these Naval aviators must practice as if the mission is real so they are ready for anything during the real mission. As an organizational or team leader, evaluate your structure to determine where people have room to safely fail and learn.

The common theme through all three of these principles is an idea that has been ingrained in him from his training:

“The biggest resource in any organization is the people that make it run.”

What about you? On your team, in your organization, in your family . . . are people first? If you are a task-oriented perfectionist do you allow room for healthy dissent, mistakes and have a culture of care for your people? If you do not in one of these areas, what do you need to do today to move toward healthier leadership in one of these areas? Need help thinking into it? Contact me for a no cost thinking partner session to think into your leadership. In the meantime, Lead Well.

Feb

2019

My Technology Failure

Have you ever been ready to throw your iPhone, iPad, computer or some other form of technology against the wall and scream?

That was me on this particular Friday morning. I am sitting at my desk preparing to join my John Maxwell Team friend Eric Reid on his Friday Facebook Live he graciously invited me to participate in.

I am excited and ready to go so I join in while listening on my computer. He sees me there, but I have to get connected via my iPhone or iPad . . . . that is where the problems begin.

I log onto Facebook and see his video, but no matter how many times I touch the screen it won’t play. Confession here, I am not a technology whiz. After about five minutes my blood pressure is rising and then I figure I will download the app.

At this point my friend knows I am struggling and he is demonstrating his phenomenal speaking skills as he speaks on something he totally did not anticipate. As I continue to struggle, I have messaged him with the confession that I am cursing my devices.

We are now about fifteen minutes in and I am yelling and screaming either outloud or in my head and I finally get on . . . . but cannot access the camera . . . whatever that means!

Finally, I message him and tell him I give up because we are now too far in for me to bring much value. He encourages me through the broadcast and asks others to do the same. Now that the emotion is gone I ask myself: what did this teach me about leadership?

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare

I should have done the test run beforehand . . . I know common sense, but apparently not for this guy. When we try something new especially involving new technology of some sort, give it a low risk “test drive” first.

Don’t be Attached

I could have been much worse off than I was especially if I allowed my self-worth to be attached to the result that morning. I was frustrated, embarrassed, and felt my lack of preparation let my friend down. The reality is that my self-worth should not be based on the results of a Facebook Live.

Learn.

Why am I writing this now, so I can reflect and learn and possibly help you when you try something new as you lead. Mistakes happen, but in order to learn we need to pause, reflect, and learn from them.

Failure occurs to us all and when we are trying something new the probability of some type of failure is higher. What about you? Do you get attached to what you are trying so much that if you fail you will be crushed? Do you take time to learn from the mistake? Just like I have to remind myself often, because we fail does not mean we are failures. Go out today, try something new personally or professionally and if you fail on some level, learn and re-enter. Lead well.