FATHER

Jun

2022

Leading as a Father

Three boys. By the end of the summer they will be ages 17, 15, and 12. That is overwhelming. I’m not sure if you are a father or the spouse of one. Maybe you have lived through this stage and are now the parent of adult children which has its own challenges . . . so I hear.

I remember holding my oldest who had oxygen tubes up his nose, born a month early, and was 5 pounds 4 ounces fitting between my elbow and fingertips. It was an overwhelming moment to think this human was going to look to me for guidance on what it means to be a man.

That infant is now slightly taller than me and can grow a better beard than me!

Since I am writing this on Father’s Day, I wanted to share a few thoughts on how I see my role as a father. I am on this journey and don’t have it all figured out, but I do know that I need to pay attention to the following three areas to continue to lead well at home.

Navigator

Recently my youngest son and I got up early to hike to a natural bridge in Arizona. I’ll share more about this journey in another post. As we walked on the trail we would come to intersections and decide where to go. My job was to read the signs, know the final destination, and keep us going in the right direction.

As a father our children have many situations they need to navigate. Many of them we have experienced, but some may be new (i.e. social media as a teenager). As a dad I am learning how to walk alongside my sons and help them navigate life’s challenges without just telling them what to do. It feels easier to tell, but I’m more effective by their side listening, teaching, and guiding.

Thermostat

Early in our marriage my wife and I would fight over the thermostat. Have you had that fight? Now we never would fight over a thermometer. Why?

The thermometer tells you the temperature, but the thermostat can help raise or lower the temperature. I realize in my home I can be a thermostat. That is a heavy weight. My attitude and presence can either bring fun and positive energy or it can do the exact opposite.

When my wife and I battled over the thermostat we each would choose to raise or lower the temperature. As fathers we have a choice. Our attitude and mindset is a choice. I can choose to take out a bad day on my family or not. I can choose to snap at my children or remain calm. The list goes on the choices I must make as a father to be a thermostat. The bottom line is I choose to set a temperature in my home that is peaceful and not chaotic, and this takes effort.

Example

As I said in the beginning holding my son was overwhelming at the thought that he would be looking at me for an example on how to be a man. I know I am perfectly imperfect and at peace with that, but the words of Spiderman’s uncle come to mind on this point:

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

I have a responsibility as a father to continue to be growing and aware of myself. I find the clearer I am on who I am the better example I can be. My sons don’t have to be clones of me (one of me is plenty!). The example they will catch is how I love my wife, how I treat others, my character, and the kind of man I am. What do we need to do as fathers? Be humble and teachable so we can allow others to point out our blind spots that may negatively impact our children and grow and keep growing as the example.

Being a dad is a rewarding and difficult journey. We need other men in our lives to journey with. If we lead well at work but fail at home I would suggest we have missed the goal. Need someone to journey alongside you as you seek to lead well at work and home? Not sure how to have conversations about important issues with your son? Go here and check out a resource I created to help you have important conversations with your son as you navigate life with him. Want to talk one on one? Contact me for a no cost thirty-minute thinking partner call. Lead Well!

Jun

2020

What Gladiator Taught Me About Leading

I enjoy a good drama. Maybe I am unique because I have a hard time not thinking during a movie instead of simply turning off my brain and taking in the movie. I look for a couple themes in movies that I am striving to grow in: 1. Leadership 2. Fatherhood. One of my top five all-time favorite movies is Gladiator starring Russell Crowe as the general Maximus. Before going any further I must remind you that the movie is fictional although based on some true characters.*

Noble Warrior

Maximus is the General of the Roman army during the time of Emperor Marcus Aurelias. He is a very noble man who longs to be home with his wife and son. As you watch this movie you see a man who leads by example and puts others before himself. All you can gather about him as a father is that he is a very loving a caring father who probably cares for his family in the same way he cares for the soldiers he leads.

Wise Sage

Marcus Aurelius also is characterized as a very noble man. He was known for his wisdom and how he ruled by reason. We see a humble man who let his people do their jobs and empowered them. He led by principle, yet felt he was a failure to his son. The movie does not reveal the nuances of this father’s relationship to his son, but I get a sense there was a great disconnect because of the difference in values. This difference grew into a favoritism of Maximus to the point of virtually rejecting his son.

Wounded Leader

Aurelius had a daughter and a son. Lucilla and Commodus. Lucilla was a strong and principled woman who agreed with the Roman ideals, but Commodus was driven mad by his ambition and hunger for power. This feeling of a lack of love from his father appears to drive the ambition for power as if it will fill the void of love in his soul.

Which are you?

Three men, all leaders, two of them fathers. This movie reveals three different types of leaders. The wise sage who leads from a far, but cares for his people as we see in Marcus Aurelius. Maximus, the courageous and noble warrior who uses that same courage and nobility to lead gladiators to unite against a common enemy instead of only fending for themselves. A wounded leader who appears to fill the empty void in his soul with a drive for recognition, power, and fame which all allude him no matter how hard he tries.

The question for all leaders is which of these do you lean to? A wise sage who has made mistakes? Are you the courageous and noble warrior? Maybe the wounded leader? Whether you are a father or a mother you could fall into any of these areas. As a leader myself I can be each one at times, but I hope to be a man who demonstrates the courage of Maximus, the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius and the appropriate and healthy amount of selfless ambition unlike the selfish ambition of Commodus. How will you lead with courage, wisdom, and selfless ambition to add value to those around you today? Lead Well.

*For the facts there is a short bio on Marcus Aurelias, but it may be a spoiler for you if you thought Gladiator was true. http://www.biography.com/people/marcus-aurelius-9192657#challenges-to-his-authority

Jun

2019

A Father’s Leadership Challenge

I was sitting at my desk one morning and I noticed a gift I had been given for my 30^th birthday (which was a while ago now). In it there are pictures of my oldest two boys when they were under five years old. I was thumbing through this small booklet and I came across a picture where I have them both in my arms while I smile at the camera.

I was overwhelmed. The responsibility of being a father is quite heavy. I understand why some men check out in the beginning, part way through or at some stage. This burden can be overwhelming when I look in the mirror and see my many faults. I lose my temper, I am very impatient (darn type A personality with a little “D” mixed in), I rarely do things right and this is just a few of my most visible faults. I am sure if you asked my kids or spouse they could create a longer list.

The burden is heavy, but I am the one who must carry it. Here is the thing (warning this is going to get a little deep), I know there is One who is bigger and can carry me as I carry this burden. I know I am in process and continually growing and my role as a father is twofold:

Be daily plugged into The Source of my unlimited potential.
Love these boys and my spouse unconditionally to the best of my ability as I am plugged into The Source.

I also know this. I need a community around me helping me. My independent stubbornness can be my worst enemy. I don’t know it all and I need other people with similar values and purposes to speak into my life and the lives of those I love. I must continually be growing so my children understand we are all in process and I make mistakes just like them. When they see that an adult can mess up and have peace knowing he is loved by One greater than him it will be contagious.

I don’t know if you have felt this burden as a parent, but let me end by sharing a poem that has helped me when I feel overwhelmed by the burdens of life.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson

I am not sure where you are in your journey of faith and my intention is not to force my belief on you. I am simply sharing my journey in leading at home. If you don’t have someone larger to lean on who will never change and sees the whole picture, why not? What community do you have? Know that He is waiting for you and will carry you even when you feel like no one is there. Keep leading at home . . . or start if you haven’t. Be connected to The Source and He will help you become the dad you were created to be. We’ll stumble and fall, but He will carry us through. We are in process and we have what it takes with Him. Lead Well.

Jun

2018

A Father’s Leadership

Dad.

For some this word evokes positive emotions and great memories. For some it evokes frustration and anger. For some it evokes sadness. For some nothing or a myriad of other emotions I have not mentioned. For me it evokes two emotions: respect and fear.

Respect for my own father who modeled how to work hard, but not allow his work to be all consuming as he remained involved in our lives. He continues to demonstrate that as a grandfather by investing in his grandsons . . . or maybe spoiling them . . . I’ll get back to you on that. He also modeled humility in that he would and still does apologize when he makes a mistake either with my mom or with my brother or I as we were growing up.

Fear. Not of my father other than the healthy fear. My fear is the reality that I have three young boys looking at me and I am their model of what it means to be a man. I would be a liar if I didn’t tell you that scares me to death. I know I will give them “issues,” but I hope they see in me a man of faith who lives his life in a way that aligns with what he says. I hope they see a man of courage and a man who loves unconditionally.

Those are my two emotions, but let me share with you some principles of leadership for fathers at home that help me. These principles come from a book I read many years ago by a former Green Beret Stu Weber called Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart. These four pillars are what every dad and man struggles to keep in balance as they easily tip to one side or another. As we strive to stay in the center we will be on a path of effective leadership of ourselves and those we interact with.

King. When we lead as a king we balance the temptation to either be passive or be controlling. These tensions pull at us constantly. I think of when my children are fighting I either want to yell at them or ignore it, and hope it goes away. If I function as a king I will seek to serve them in the moment by listening, but not solving their problem for them.
Warrior. When we lead as a warrior we balance the temptation to either run away from conflict or try to win at all costs often as a bully. The best example is when there is a disagreement with my spouse I feel both sides rise up pulling at me. When I am functioning as a centered warrior I sit with my wife, listen, and work with her to find a solution that is best for both of us and our marriage. I fight for our marriage in these moments.
Mentor. The two extremes Weber provides here are “dunce” vs. “know-it-all.” When we function as wise mentors we demonstrate transparent humility. If you have ever had a good teacher he or she knew a lot, but had them humility to recognize he or she did not know it all. This type of teacher would come alongside you patiently guiding you to the answer while suggesting what has worked, but allowing you to find your own approach if there was not just one to follow.
Friend. This is a balanced pillar when we are not trying to be our child’s best friend or completely ignoring him or her. When I function well as a friend I am connecting and talking about what matters to my son and his world, not about me and my problems.

These four principles guide me in attempting to be the best father possible. Not only do I strive to keep each pillar centered, but I also must not focus on one pillar too much such as just trying to be a friend. Our roof does not stay on with only three walls so are we as men not leading well if we fail to pay attention to each pillar.

What pillar in your life is out of alignment? What is one thing you can do today to realign? To lead well at home as a dad is a challenge, but a battle worth fighting. Let me know if I can help and in the meantime, lead well dads.

Jun

2017

How a Father Leads

I have the privilege of being the father of three young boys. This privilege is quite overwhelming at times. For example, I just returned from an overseas serving experience with my oldest son. My biggest fear was not health issues or safety, but me ruining the experience for my son.

Unfortunately I tend to be very impatient. It most likely comes from my control freak issues and my driven personality. . . not a great combination. With that being said going into this experience I was concerned I would frustrate my child with putting unrealistic expectations on him. I had a small victory and during our seven day experience I did not “lose it” on him . . . too much. What helped more than anything else was having other members of the team to help him when he needed something mom provides better than me such as compassion.

As this Father’s Day ends I reflect on what a man needs to do to lead well in his family. Before saying anything else I must admit much of my thinking has been influenced by a book by Stu Weber called Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart and the influential thoughts of a man named Robert Lewis.

Lewis defines a man as one who:

Rejects being passive.

Accepts Responsibility.

Lives Courageously.

Expects the greater reward. This is the reward that will come later in life or beyond and not immediately.

As I look at that definition I am overwhelmed by the reality that I should seek to be an example of that kind of man. I mess up A LOT and fail to live up to that standard. I am responsible for appropriately disciplining my children, but at times I hear myself saying “I am too tired.” I have to buck up and lovingly discipline or simply listen actively when my child has something to say. Both require rejecting passivity.

I am a model to my children on how to love my wife well. I fail at that A LOT too. One way I need to lead courageously is by modeling healthy conversations with my spouse. Conflict is normal in a marriage, but I need to listen and part of me is a chicken and wants to run away. I need to model courage by staying and listening instead of just trying to prove my point.

One of the four pillars Weber discusses in his book is the need for a man to be a king. In any building, if a pillar leans too far to the left or right it will not be a strong support. As men we can easily lean to the side of being too passive or too overbearing. Weber calls us to strive to live in the middle as a shepherd-king. This requires awareness and humility to accept feedback when we are “leaning” too far to one side. I personally tend to lean too far to the domineering side, but fortunately people close to me will let me know to help put me back in place.

For some of you reading this the father idea is very frustrating to say the least. Maybe you don’t know your dad, maybe your child’s dad is not around, maybe you feel you can’t be a man like Lewis defined or you can’t find a man striving to live close to the example Weber states. First, your past does not define your future. Men, you can take the initiative and grow into the man you desire to become. It takes time and effort, but is possible. Women, if there is no man around for your children, may I encourage you to seek out those role models for them which may be coaches, youth leaders, neighbors or who knows, but they do exist. I hope those of you who have struggled with your own dad can forgive him and remember we only have one dad. Let him know how much you love him before you can’t.

Next time I will fill you in on what I learned about leadership from my international experience. Lead well at home and work until then and share this with anyone you may think it would add value to.

P.S. Any dads who want to learn more about growing in your leadership at home and work send me an email at randy@wheelercoachingsystems.com