In one of my early jobs one boss shared the thought: “perception is reality.” I was really annoyed by that statement. I figured it didn’t matter what people perceived about who I was because I know who I really am and my character.
Character is absolutely more important than reputation which is an overflow of how people perceive us. Something I read recently caused me to think more into this idea of perception. While reading Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen I came across the following statement:
“We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impacts.”
Intentions
Let’s say you are at work, and you see someone struggling to communicate their thoughts in a meeting. You want to help so you jump in and add to the conversation or give advice later on how to present more effectively. Your desire is to help them grow, develop, and succeed so you jump in or provide feedback. That intention is an overflow of your character.
This is your perspective.
Impact
You see this co-worker the next day and he is avoiding you. At one point you are together alone and can feel the tension. Since you care about the relationship and are completely confused as to what is going on, you ask:
“Hey Jim, what’s wrong?”
Silence
“Did I do something because it seems you are really frustrated?”
“Well, since you asked . . . “ Jim at this point strongly unleashes feedback as to how he did not want any advice and felt like he looked incompetent when you jumped in during the meeting.
You stand in shock while experiencing the impact of your actions even though they had pure intentions. They were perceived as overstepping your bounds.
Put on Different Shoes
I remember reading in the classic book To Kill A Mockingbird a conversation between two primary characters encouraging the value of putting themself in another person’s shoes. I must continually pause and ask myself before I speak or act: how will this impact the other person? This is especially important if we are in a position of power over another person. What may seem like a trivial statement to you as the leader may impact in a deeper way.
What does all this mean? We need to pause long enough to consider how what we are going to say could be perceived by the other person?
I would suggest two ideas. First, authenticity and appropriate transparency will decrease the probability of a mismatch between intention and impact. The more people know us as leaders the greater probability of understanding our intention and our words or actions having the intended impact. Second, take a moment to read the e-mail before you press send or think about how what you are about to say needs to be delivered. Not just the words, but also the tone of voice and your body language.
I guess my boss was kind of right at least that perception does influence reality in the mind of the listener or watcher.
Do you need help in how you communicate with those you lead? If so, let’s connect and maybe a Maxwell Communication Impact Report and debrief would be a great first step for you. Click here to set up a discovery call so I can help you grow your impact as a leader in this area. Lead Well!
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