LOVE

Dec

2022

Love and Leadership

I’ve been doing a three part series on leadership and how it relates to themes we hear during the Holiday season. This last one may strike you as odd because in many organizational cultures it seems like a “soft” word.

Love.

How does love play out in our leadership of others. Let’s be honest the people we work with aren’t our family and sometimes we have a hard time loving our family. Quite frankly some people we work with flat out annoy us! Allow me to look at multiple Greek words for love and explore how or if they are applicable for leaders.

Xenia

This word for love means “hospitality.” I have walked in the office of leaders and their back is to me. Their desk seems like a fortress and their office feels kind of cold. You may be a person that could care less about all of that, but it can have unintended consequences. Maybe people are intimidated to come in and ask a question because you are always busy even though you say you have an “open door” policy. The environment speaks differently. Create an open and inviting environment where people feel welcome to enter your office when the door is open. Hospitality invites relationship and leadership is all about relationships.

Philautia

This word means “self-love.” I don’t think I have to say a lot about this one. We all have met the leader who is FULL of this kind of love. This love does not serve our teams. This kind of love is healthy when it leads to a proper self-image and confidence. We get out of hand if as the leader we are consumed ourselves and satisfying personal agendas.

As a leader you want your people to have confidence and a healthy self-image, but beware of this kind of love turning into self-serving egotism.

Storge

This word refers to the type of love and affection especially between parents and children. If you lead a family business the application can be clearer, but what about everyone else. Maybe the best example of this type of love from a leader would be in reverse mentoring.

Reverse mentoring is when older generations learn from the younger generations. For example, maybe instead of thinking the new twenty-somethings don’t know anything have a humble posture and learn from them about new technology or other trends you may not be aware of. On the other hand when you come alongside an individual new to the organization and demonstrate paternal care to make them feel welcome and supported you demonstrate this type of love.

Philia

This word means a “brotherly love.” We aren’t going to be best friends with those we lead nor should we. Let’s explore this a little bit though. If you have a sibling you may be very loyal to him or her. You are allowed to pick on your younger sibling, but if anyone else messes with him or her. . . . you are ready for a fight! What could this look like in your leadership.

If this type of love is present in your organization people will feel like they are part of a family. I know an organization where people work very hard, long hours, and have candid conversations. Those traits would all be present in many families. They also have fun with one another and will care for one another. As a leader if you live this love it creates a family culture in your organization or on your team.

Agape

Of all the definitions this is the most difficult to embody as a leader. One definition of this in the Greek is “love-feasts.” Another way I have often heard this defined is unconditional love. Like I said, there are some people we work with or alongside that we may not get along with well at all. Our personalities clash, our leadership styles clash, or many other things. As a leader when we demonstrate agape love people feel safe.

Agape love is not a love that does not speak truth. This is a love that sees the truth and still accepts you. As a leader when your team members fail do they feel safe to tell you or are they worried they will be chewed out? There is so much more to this word which Joel Mamby former CEO of Sea World and Saab dives into in his book Love Works. Our simple takeaway is do people feel safe in your leadership even when experiencing a difficult conversation? If people feel safe even when the professional relationship ends then you are leading with agape love.

As you look at these definitions of love, what is one shift you can make to love better as a leader? Need help thinking into this? Contact me for a one-on-one coaching session to help you think into how you can grow in this to improve your performance and that of your team. Lead Well!

Feb

2021

Love in Leadership?

Since this past weekend was Valentines and some of you men reading this may be in the dog house because you forgot or didn’t do enough or . . . . I thought I’d reflect on how love could be relevant in our leadership.

Stick with me a minute and if you really want to go deep into this author Gary Chapman wrote about The Five Languages of Appreciation. I’m not going into that here. As I thought of this idea three words came to mind on how we demonstrate love and appreciation at work.

Patience

I thought I’d start with the most challenging one, at least for me. This impatience is visible in how I hate repeating myself. Leaders must repeat themselves though. I once heard a leader say “vision leaks.” By the nature of being the leader, we often are the most excited about where we are going. We constantly think about this vision and then we get in front of our team and they seem to forget!

This is vision leaking. If the team is performing well that demonstrates they care, but they are caught up in their tasks. This can try our patience because everyone gets off course and needs redirection. We may even question whether we are leading adults or immature children from time to time. Be patient and trust they are still on board with the vision. Who did you and I thrive under the most? A demanding and overbearing leader or a patient one?

Not Easily Angered

Tensions rise as conflict occurs in the meeting. You start to feel the heat creep up your neck and are ready to blow, but instead you say “let’s take a five minute break.” Conflict should occur in meetings in a healthy way, but at times that conflict can get out of control and turn into posturing and politicking. What do we do?

First, identify if our anger is because we must BE right. As the leader if we have to always be right instead of seeking what is right or best for all . . . anger is not far behind. Put the team in front of our ego. Second, have a clear plan. What is the purpose of this meeting and what are the objectives? Clarity will help create healthy expectations and reduce the possibility of unhealthy anger arising.

Tough

Ok, the first two were calming now I’m saying “tough”? Sometimes love must be tough. I’ve had patient leaders, but they were also willing to be firm and honest. Tough love is the ability to speak the truth with candor and care. In their book Crucial Conversations Patterson, Grenny, et. al. put it well:

“To succeed in crucial conversations, we must really care about the interest of others – not just our own.”

When we are demonstrating tough love we have the crucial conversation about something the other person needs to hear. We may not want to discuss it, but for their benefit and the sake of the team discuss it with honesty and care.

When you look at these three areas which do you need to grow in? Over the next three weeks focus on one area and adjust how you communicate and lead with a focus on that area. Let me know how it goes. If you want someone to come alongside you to help you or your team grow in your leadership contact me and let’s discover how I may serve you. Lead Well.

Jun

2020

We Must Lead With This . . .

Over the past week I have been processing and asking myself what am I to say, if anything? My problem is that I recognize I cannot make any type of ripple to change this deeply systemic and horribly wrong problem that exists in our nation. I will not say I can personally understand, because I can’t, but what I can say is racism is wrong and the systemic change starts with those of us people who make up the system. What can those of us who are people of influence, or leaders, with or without a position do?

Listen

I was listening to a leader explain what he had done over the past week. He had done exactly what any good leader will do . . . listen. He asked the hard questions to understand from others’ perspective and listened. As leaders within our homes, communities and workplaces we need to create an environment where with care and candor these difficult conversations can be had and we need to be quiet. Seek to understand and feel with others what this injustice feels like.

Be Honest

This is a look inward. Over the past few days I have been processing with multiple people. As I was having conversations one person close to me pointed out an unintentional way I communicate that adds to the problem. I have to be honest with myself and open to understanding what I say and do and how it can impact others. As leaders we must look at ourselves and the organization or team culture we create. Does it promote respectful honesty about important issues? If not and we are the leader, it starts with us.

Change

The application. Why am I slow to say anything? Change takes time and transformation starts with each of us individually. As we listen and are honest light will shine on what we need to change. The first change must start with me and then ask what is my role in making a impact, even if small, to the system of injustice that I can impact? Rosa Parks one small action made a significant impact that started in her community. What is the one small action, or big, we leaders must take to address the system?

Care and Love

This is a problem that is much deeper than the color of one’s skin. The solution is deeper than superficial adjustments, saying different things, or creating a new policy. At the core of the solution is love and care.

While implementing the above three steps will we allow ourselves to be transformed into people of love and care who consider the needs of one another not just in crisis, but daily? One of my favorite books describes how we show care best in its description of love. Whether in the home, community, or marketplace more of the following will serve to make a small ripple to transform this systemic problem.

Love is: patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, finds joy in truth, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. If we seek to lead with this list in mind we will be leading justly and creating homes, workplaces, and communities where people are valued.

How can you and I lead more justly today? Lead Well.

Feb

2020

A Four-Letter Leadership Word

Love is necessary for effective transformational leadership. Stick with me a minute. I know this sounds like a soft skill that could have nothing to do with leadership. Think about this though. Who is one of the best leaders you have had?

Was the individual harsh and overbearing?

Was the person kind?

Was the person a mixture of both?

Both are necessary and provide “tough love.” Accountability and standards are necessary in combination with discernment on when to provide the room to grow and forgive. Take a moment with me and look at these four ways to demonstrate “love” in leadership.

Learning

“Learning . . . seeing the world simultaneously as it is and what it can be, understanding what you see, and acting on your understanding.”

Warren Bennis

A leader who is a learner will seek to understand those he or she leads. One way is to understand their communication style and adjust how we deliver our message in a manner they can hear. If you want to invest in learning your communication style then go here.

More often than I want to admit, I overreact and jump to conclusions before understanding a situation. As leaders we demonstrate love and build improved connection when we slow down to learn about the situation. Instead of assuming the worst, I need to take time to understand all sides and then make a conclusion. This exemplifies what Bennis stated above.

Optimism

“Avoid entertaining the concept of the worst, for whatever you take into your mind can grow there.”

Norman Vincent Peale

I naturally tend to see the challenges of a situation, therefore I understand optimism is a choice. Leaders must accurately assess the situation, but then see the possibilities. When we have that picture we paint a picture for those we lead to help them see how they can positively contribute to achieving the vision.

As Peale suggests we want to focus on the possibility instead of the worst because where our focus goes our mind stays. When our minds stay more focused on the challenge than the solution, we get results in line with that focus. As leaders we have a challenge to help others see the possibilities even in the most difficult of circumstances.

Value

Tasks need to be accomplished in order to meet a goal, and people are the ones who perform them. Effective leaders help those they lead understand their value by first helping them see their personal role in the bigger picture. Another great way to help them understand their value is by identifying their strengths.

After identifying those strengths, position them for success by having them working in their strengths often. When this occurs not only are they more personally effective, but they are utilizing their most valuable assets for the organization’s overall benefit.

Encouragement

Blanchard and Zgarmi developed a process of leading called “Situational Leadership.” I suggest this model provides practical application to the idea of encouraging those we lead. According to the model individuals need varying degrees of support and direction. As leaders who care about those we lead we will come alongside others to encourage, equip, and eventually let them perform on their own. When we are leading with the appropriate amount of encouragement, we increase their confidence and performance.

As you look at these four areas which area can you strengthen this week? As leadership expert John Maxwell says “leaders develop daily not in a day.” What is one way you will develop today? Lead well.

May

2019

What My Wife Teaches Me About Leadership

Where do we find some of the strongest leaders in the world? In our own homes. I was reflecting on leadership as I tend to do because that is my thing. Since today is Mother’s Day I thought I’d write a list of the top five things my wife teaches me about leadership . . . in no particular order.

Serve

One of the major times I realized my selfishness was when I got married, but when my children were born this realization was amplified. My wife on the other hand, has amplified the opposite. As each child arrived her example of selflessly serving our children has grown. I could list many ways I see that in her, but that would take too much time. She is a model of servant leadership in everything she does for our family.

Patience

We have three boys and they are full of lots of energy. Not only does my wife patiently discipline them, serve them, and meet their various needs, but she also demonstrates extreme patience with me. Because of her patience, she is able to capitalize on teachable moments to help each of our boys grow into men of great character as I know my own mother did for me.

Leadership requires being out in front and providing vision, but also patience to slow down enough to allow others to understand and adapt. All of this requires the same patience my wife and many other mothers model daily.

Perseverance

This was modeled three times for nine plus months. I cannot begin to imagine carrying a human being and all the changes that occur. I’m a wimp and probably would have wanted to quit within the first trimester’s sickness. Whether getting up in the middle of the night, taking care of sick children, or simply persisting in trying to provide the best for our children’s individual needs my wife is a model of perseverance.

Accomplishing any goal requires perseverance. If the goal is worthwhile, it will not happen easily and will require leaders to demonstrate perseverance.

Compassion

When someone gets hurt around our home they run to mom, not me. This is because of the amount of compassion and care my wife demonstrates toward our children. This great compassion she models as a leader is necessary for our children to feel safe.

As leaders if those we lead know we care about them they will try harder. When others feel safe and cared about by their leader this empowers them to take risks that help them and the organization or team to grow.

Unconditional Love

My wife demonstrates compassion on steroids by her unconditional love. I see this most by how often she forgives the most self-centered male in the home (me). This love provides a safe environment for open and honest communication among all family members.

When those we lead know they are valued no matter what they say, leaders get more candid feedback. Honest feedback that is positive or negative is easier to provide when unconditional love is the norm.

What about you? Of these five areas, where do you need to grow most in your leadership? Need someone to come alongside you to help you think into your leadership results? Contact me to schedule a powerful coaching experience today so I can help you think into your leadership results.