Parenting

Aug

2020

Responding to Failure

Have you ever not had a result you didn’t expect? How did you respond?

One weekend my family and I took our oldest son to a regional Taekwondo tournament in Ohio. This was a brand-new experience for him. Previously he performed well in a smaller local tournament.

Let me explain how this tournament works. During the tournament athletes are grouped by their belt color to compete in both proper form technique and then they spar one another. Imagine the end of Karate Kid without the contact and you have a picture of what sparring looks like. In this tournament there were six people competing for this belt level.

Before beginning my encouragement to him was to give his best which he did. When the competition concluded they learned their ranking. In sparring he earned a bronze medal while in form he did not earn a medal.

Although I was proud of him for doing his best, the tears flowing down his face demonstrated his devastation. On one level I was glad he cared enough to be upset because he is a pretty light-hearted young man and not overly competitive naturally. While the tears flowed I briefly comforted him and then walked away to allow my wife to console him and provide me with a moment to think of what to say.

Helping Him Process His Failure

This was an important moment and I wanted to do my best to get it right. As I saw it I had a few options of how to handle the situation:

I could blame the judges and tell my son they were bad and he really did much better.
I could unintentionally encourage his sadness and feed it to the point he wallowed in self-pity the rest of the day.
I could show not empathy and say, “suck it up and get over it.”

Two Responses

What came to me was another option. I took this as an opportunity to encourage him to see how he could respond to failure. I tried to be as gentle as I could empathizing with the fact it did not feel good to lose and telling him I was glad he cared. Then I told him he had two options:

Give up and stop trying
Use this as motivation to learn and continue to grow and get better.

Thankfully he responded by stating that giving up was not an option and that he would keep trying to improve.

Author Maxwell Maltz in his book Psycho-Cybernetics states:

“When you thoroughly accept that you are not your mistakes, you are freed to acknowledge them, learn from them, set them aside, and move on from them without being mired in them.”

I don’t know about you, but I have to remind myself of the same options I gave my son when I fail. Will I give up and think I am a failure because I failed or will I look at it, learn from it and grow? What about you? What helps you respond positively to failure and not be “mired in them”? If you found this helpful for you leading yourself or others please share it. Lead well.

Jun

2019

A Father’s Leadership Challenge

I was sitting at my desk one morning and I noticed a gift I had been given for my 30^th birthday (which was a while ago now). In it there are pictures of my oldest two boys when they were under five years old. I was thumbing through this small booklet and I came across a picture where I have them both in my arms while I smile at the camera.

I was overwhelmed. The responsibility of being a father is quite heavy. I understand why some men check out in the beginning, part way through or at some stage. This burden can be overwhelming when I look in the mirror and see my many faults. I lose my temper, I am very impatient (darn type A personality with a little “D” mixed in), I rarely do things right and this is just a few of my most visible faults. I am sure if you asked my kids or spouse they could create a longer list.

The burden is heavy, but I am the one who must carry it. Here is the thing (warning this is going to get a little deep), I know there is One who is bigger and can carry me as I carry this burden. I know I am in process and continually growing and my role as a father is twofold:

Be daily plugged into The Source of my unlimited potential.
Love these boys and my spouse unconditionally to the best of my ability as I am plugged into The Source.

I also know this. I need a community around me helping me. My independent stubbornness can be my worst enemy. I don’t know it all and I need other people with similar values and purposes to speak into my life and the lives of those I love. I must continually be growing so my children understand we are all in process and I make mistakes just like them. When they see that an adult can mess up and have peace knowing he is loved by One greater than him it will be contagious.

I don’t know if you have felt this burden as a parent, but let me end by sharing a poem that has helped me when I feel overwhelmed by the burdens of life.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson

I am not sure where you are in your journey of faith and my intention is not to force my belief on you. I am simply sharing my journey in leading at home. If you don’t have someone larger to lean on who will never change and sees the whole picture, why not? What community do you have? Know that He is waiting for you and will carry you even when you feel like no one is there. Keep leading at home . . . or start if you haven’t. Be connected to The Source and He will help you become the dad you were created to be. We’ll stumble and fall, but He will carry us through. We are in process and we have what it takes with Him. Lead Well.

Jul

2018

Youth Sports and Questions about Leadership

Ever since my kids started being involved in sports activities I have helped coach them. Selfishly I do it because I don’t want to sit and watch . . . I’m a doer so I’d rather help. Now with my youngest it has felt like herding cats since he is in the early elementary stage, but with my older two boys I have come to enjoy it a little more.

I remember as a child as I continued in my sport it got to be more serious and not quite as fun. That is the normal progression and each individual has to determine at some point in their “career” if they love the sport enough to continue when the next season comes. I appreciate that increased intensity and competiveness especially since I tend to be naturally competitive.

My children are not at that level yet and as I coached my middle child’s basketball team I had a rewarding experience. First, I am horrible at basketball. I am so bad that I missed a layup at 7^th grade tryouts as a kid. I didn’t just miss it, but launched it up over the top of the backboard. Needless to say I was in over my head coaching 4^th – 6^th grade basketball players.

I realize I don’t have to be a basketball genius to coach this age of kids, but need to be able to teach them some of the fundamentals. Our first game we looked like a herd of kindergartners running around and not knowing what to do. I soon realized I had to tap into my resources and learn how to coach better. I attempted to improve my coaching each week and slowly saw the team improve as well.

By the end of the season a thought became the central theme of our team. This was not about performance and making shots or blocking shots or rebounding. Three ideas became our theme: focus (quite hard at times for squirrely young boys) teamwork and best effort. Our team was full of individuals of varying abilities and when I began to emphasize above all else these three ideas the boys started to play better than they had all season to the level they beat one team they had not all season and came within a basket of beating another.

What does this have to do with leading?

At home, what are we emphasizing? Do our children feel like our love for them is based on how they perform in sports, school, activities, etc.? I am sure that is not how any of us feel about our love for our children, but do we unintentionally send that message?

I think about how many times I discipline my children (which is necessary) for bad behavior. Do they think I only love them when they are well behaved? What would happen if I intentionally highlighted when my children act with great character and make great choices? When they are involved in activities what would happen if I first address whether they are acting with great sportsmanship and effort and as an afterthought discuss performance?

At work, do those we lead get positive feedback only for great performance? Do they know we care about them beyond just performance? Do we slow down enough to know what else is happening in their lives? As they know we care maybe their performance will improve.

Leading is a challenge. At home, I know I need to be more aware of what I say to my children about their activities to emphasize who they are over how they perform. I want my children to have the right character when they enter the real world as well as achieve to their fullest potential. Am I being the example to model that? In every area I lead, am I valuing character alongside performance? What about you? What do you emphasize in your leadership at work or home? Share it below.

Jun

2018

A Father’s Leadership

Dad.

For some this word evokes positive emotions and great memories. For some it evokes frustration and anger. For some it evokes sadness. For some nothing or a myriad of other emotions I have not mentioned. For me it evokes two emotions: respect and fear.

Respect for my own father who modeled how to work hard, but not allow his work to be all consuming as he remained involved in our lives. He continues to demonstrate that as a grandfather by investing in his grandsons . . . or maybe spoiling them . . . I’ll get back to you on that. He also modeled humility in that he would and still does apologize when he makes a mistake either with my mom or with my brother or I as we were growing up.

Fear. Not of my father other than the healthy fear. My fear is the reality that I have three young boys looking at me and I am their model of what it means to be a man. I would be a liar if I didn’t tell you that scares me to death. I know I will give them “issues,” but I hope they see in me a man of faith who lives his life in a way that aligns with what he says. I hope they see a man of courage and a man who loves unconditionally.

Those are my two emotions, but let me share with you some principles of leadership for fathers at home that help me. These principles come from a book I read many years ago by a former Green Beret Stu Weber called Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart. These four pillars are what every dad and man struggles to keep in balance as they easily tip to one side or another. As we strive to stay in the center we will be on a path of effective leadership of ourselves and those we interact with.

King. When we lead as a king we balance the temptation to either be passive or be controlling. These tensions pull at us constantly. I think of when my children are fighting I either want to yell at them or ignore it, and hope it goes away. If I function as a king I will seek to serve them in the moment by listening, but not solving their problem for them.
Warrior. When we lead as a warrior we balance the temptation to either run away from conflict or try to win at all costs often as a bully. The best example is when there is a disagreement with my spouse I feel both sides rise up pulling at me. When I am functioning as a centered warrior I sit with my wife, listen, and work with her to find a solution that is best for both of us and our marriage. I fight for our marriage in these moments.
Mentor. The two extremes Weber provides here are “dunce” vs. “know-it-all.” When we function as wise mentors we demonstrate transparent humility. If you have ever had a good teacher he or she knew a lot, but had them humility to recognize he or she did not know it all. This type of teacher would come alongside you patiently guiding you to the answer while suggesting what has worked, but allowing you to find your own approach if there was not just one to follow.
Friend. This is a balanced pillar when we are not trying to be our child’s best friend or completely ignoring him or her. When I function well as a friend I am connecting and talking about what matters to my son and his world, not about me and my problems.

These four principles guide me in attempting to be the best father possible. Not only do I strive to keep each pillar centered, but I also must not focus on one pillar too much such as just trying to be a friend. Our roof does not stay on with only three walls so are we as men not leading well if we fail to pay attention to each pillar.

What pillar in your life is out of alignment? What is one thing you can do today to realign? To lead well at home as a dad is a challenge, but a battle worth fighting. Let me know if I can help and in the meantime, lead well dads.

May

2018

Three Leadership Principles From Mom

The evil eye. That was what my brother and I called it in our house. It was “the look” we got from mom when we knew we had done something wrong. In some cases we got that look when we were about to get something wrong. The look was so intimidating it brought nightmares at times.

The calm voice. That was the person we saw when we were in over our heads with frustration and just needed to vent. Little did I realize years ago what a great leader my mom was, but as I look back I see a few principles we can all learn about leadership from my mom, and who knows, maybe your mom as well.

Love – This is where all good leadership starts. A good leader cares about those he or she leads. This is demonstrated in various ways. Psychologist Gary Chapman is known for five ways people usually demonstrate love: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving gifts, and Physical Touch. An entire post could be written about these five love languages especially since Chapman has written multiple books on the topic. All of these can be applied in our leadership at work or at home. Mom always knew which I needed, and as a leader when we can implement Chapman’s ideas with those we lead so they will feel value, appreciation and perform at a much higher level.
Firm and Clear Boundaries – Remember I told you about the “evil eye”? That was mom’s quick way of setting a boundary for us ornery boys. As leaders those we lead need to know what the expectations are and the lines they cannot cross. When we were kids we had a playground at school and often it had a fence. We knew we could go anywhere inside the fence and have freedom to use our skills and abilities freely. Outside the fence we would endanger ourselves. As leaders we set boundaries that will bring clarity to what we want accomplished. One caution, make sure the boundaries do not stifle the creativity of those you lead. A fine line exists between healthy boundaries and micromanagement . . . but that discussion is for another day.
Consistency – In my home, mom was always there. She demonstrated the labor of love in making our lunches for school every day. She had breakfast prepared for us in the morning and she was there to listen to us after we got home from school or as she drove us home from our extra-curricular activities. All of this demonstrated consistency. We knew she was there and could count on her. As leaders when we are consistent in our availability, communication, responses to challenges and more, those we lead have confidence in us and trust us which creates a healthier work environment.

What about you? As a leader at work and home which of these areas do you need to improve on? Pick one of these and take one step further in your growth as a leader at work and home. Maybe there is another principle you would draw from your mom’s leadership, share it in the comments section below. In the meantime lead well at work and home.

May

2018

Climbing and Leadership

I’m sitting on a bench on a cloudy day in the woods in Southern Indiana as I watch my oldest son seeking to reach the top of a climbing wall for the first time. We are at a Father/Son camp experience and he has tried to climb this wall multiple times over the years. The last time he did it with me present a wasp intervened and stung his leg. On this particular day a loose rock prevented him from reaching the goal as it caused him to slip.

He looks down when he is about two-thirds of the way up and yells, “Do I get some red juice if I make it?”

I don’t answer because I want him intrinsically motivated to accomplish his goal.

He continues to climb and I help him to see what he can’t see such as where to place his feet because a rock may be between his legs and he is unaware. He takes each step up and with great care reaches up and touches the top of the wall looking down while I take pictures.

As I reflected on that climb I saw three key principles that apply to leadership. Leadership is like climbing up a wall. Whether at home or work the following three principles from his climb apply to our leadership.

Hold Your Vision – My son had a desire to reach the top, now the desire for another glass of juice may have helped him persist, but the desire kept him climbing. With every step he got closer and as long as he held in his sight the ultimate goal he was going to get there. As leaders we must have clear vision. We must know where we are going and keep that ultimate vision in front of us whether that is to meet a business benchmark, personal goal, or help a child reach a personal benchmark they may not even be aware they have.
Listen to the Right Voice – We all have thoughts that come into our minds. Which ones do we allow to stay? Is it the voice like mine that continually encouraged my son that he could do it or are we tuning into the voice that instills doubt and fear? The thoughts we allow to remain in our minds impact our leadership. What we feed our minds from the outside can either help or hinder us from fulfilling the vision.
One Step At a Time – Climbing is never easy. Unless you have super powers it will always require one step at a time. As my son struggled up the wall there were times he had to pause and consider the next best move which worked sometimes and at times did not. As leaders we need the big picture, but the implementation takes one step at a time.

What is the leadership climb you are on right now? Do you have someone helping you see the next move to reach your vision? Are you listening to the right voice? Anything worth having will be an uphill climb. Who do you have encouraging you and coaching you along the way? Whatever the vision whether at work or home continue to take one step at a time and like my son you will reach the top, look down, and smile . . . . then get ready to climb again. Lead well at work and home today and let me know any way I can help you.