Parenting

Jun

2017

How a Father Leads

I have the privilege of being the father of three young boys. This privilege is quite overwhelming at times. For example, I just returned from an overseas serving experience with my oldest son. My biggest fear was not health issues or safety, but me ruining the experience for my son.

Unfortunately I tend to be very impatient. It most likely comes from my control freak issues and my driven personality. . . not a great combination. With that being said going into this experience I was concerned I would frustrate my child with putting unrealistic expectations on him. I had a small victory and during our seven day experience I did not “lose it” on him . . . too much. What helped more than anything else was having other members of the team to help him when he needed something mom provides better than me such as compassion.

As this Father’s Day ends I reflect on what a man needs to do to lead well in his family. Before saying anything else I must admit much of my thinking has been influenced by a book by Stu Weber called Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart and the influential thoughts of a man named Robert Lewis.

Lewis defines a man as one who:

Rejects being passive.

Accepts Responsibility.

Lives Courageously.

Expects the greater reward. This is the reward that will come later in life or beyond and not immediately.

As I look at that definition I am overwhelmed by the reality that I should seek to be an example of that kind of man. I mess up A LOT and fail to live up to that standard. I am responsible for appropriately disciplining my children, but at times I hear myself saying “I am too tired.” I have to buck up and lovingly discipline or simply listen actively when my child has something to say. Both require rejecting passivity.

I am a model to my children on how to love my wife well. I fail at that A LOT too. One way I need to lead courageously is by modeling healthy conversations with my spouse. Conflict is normal in a marriage, but I need to listen and part of me is a chicken and wants to run away. I need to model courage by staying and listening instead of just trying to prove my point.

One of the four pillars Weber discusses in his book is the need for a man to be a king. In any building, if a pillar leans too far to the left or right it will not be a strong support. As men we can easily lean to the side of being too passive or too overbearing. Weber calls us to strive to live in the middle as a shepherd-king. This requires awareness and humility to accept feedback when we are “leaning” too far to one side. I personally tend to lean too far to the domineering side, but fortunately people close to me will let me know to help put me back in place.

For some of you reading this the father idea is very frustrating to say the least. Maybe you don’t know your dad, maybe your child’s dad is not around, maybe you feel you can’t be a man like Lewis defined or you can’t find a man striving to live close to the example Weber states. First, your past does not define your future. Men, you can take the initiative and grow into the man you desire to become. It takes time and effort, but is possible. Women, if there is no man around for your children, may I encourage you to seek out those role models for them which may be coaches, youth leaders, neighbors or who knows, but they do exist. I hope those of you who have struggled with your own dad can forgive him and remember we only have one dad. Let him know how much you love him before you can’t.

Next time I will fill you in on what I learned about leadership from my international experience. Lead well at home and work until then and share this with anyone you may think it would add value to.

P.S. Any dads who want to learn more about growing in your leadership at home and work send me an email at randy@wheelercoachingsystems.com

Jan

2017

My Dad Fail . . . Learn from My Poor Leadership at Home

Those of you that are parents, have you ever done something foolish with your child? I’m talking about the kind of thing where you acted like a child instead being the adult. Not being silly and having fun with your five year old, but a dumb choice.

One day my son came downstairs and instead of being a mature adult I acted like a teenager. In the grand scheme of things it was nothing really big, but it was quite childish for someone of my age. Here was the problem, I laughed after I did it and he was not joining in the laughing.

Basically I acted like a bully in my behavior toward my son. I know, I am a horrible dad. His younger two brothers thought it was funny, but the son I did this to was deeply hurt. That is really when I realized I messed up badly.

The next moments were critical, what would I do? Would I say something like “toughen up and quit being a sissy, I was just messing around with you” or respond totally different.

I went up to his room since it was around bedtime that this happened and I said that I noticed what I did really bothered him. As I lay beside him in bed I first confessed that what I did was immature and childish. The act was not the main problem, my laughing was what really hurt him . . . deeply.

When I realized that, I knew I had to really humble myself. At that point in the conversation I was struck with how deep this wound could go. I did not want to be the source of an unintentional wound deep in my son’s heart. I said “son, I really messed up and what I did was childish. Please forgive me for doing that and for laughing about it.”

Fortunately he extended forgiveness to me and I think it reconciled the situation. Of course I want my child to be tough and be able to handle the mean people and problems of the world, BUT I should not be the one bringing those problems into his life. My wife and I should be sources of stability and calm in our home not unnecessary problems.

If I am to lead well at home then I must have the humility to admit when I mess up and the willingness to ask for forgiveness. This requires both self-awareness of my actions and other-awareness of those I love and how they respond when I react or act. The most important part of this experience is that I learn from it and do not repeat the same mistake. I am sure I will fail many times more as a Dad, but hopefully I will not have the same failure twice.

What about you? How have you learned how to lead better at home through your mistakes with your family? Feel free to share (it will encourage me to know I am not the only one making foolish mistakesJ). Keep learning and keep leading.